From Rules to Relationships: Behaviour to Belonging

I'll be honest, we had some 'challenging' behaviour at our last holiday scheme. It put the fear in me and I found myself resorting to outdated ways of thinking. I cringed as I heard myself say to one lunch table 'am I going to speak to some of your parents at the end of the day?' It was a regression in my practice and a desperate attempt to gain 'control'. Naturally, one child said 'I don't care', because, let's face it, power games and threats don't work. But at the end of the three days, we had damages to the property, a playfighting incident, some bullish behaviour, a spot of graffiti and my boundaries were stretched.

Despite many magical moments over the three days and this behaviour being in the minority, I lost a lot of sleep each night and for weeks afterwards. I didn't want to resort to power dynamics, but felt triggered by the children 'playing up' in my home. I felt a disrespect and complacency about all our beautiful spaces and the hours we had spent preparing for the children. It was hard to find my passion for a while.

I shared my concerns with our parents and carers, who were hugely supportive and fortunately, one in particular signposted me to what I term as a 'quake' book (meaning it shook me, in a good way). The book, 'The Kindness Principle' by Dave Whitaker, extensively experienced in PRUs, talks about the damage and flaws in behaviourist approaches. He suggests beginning with unconditional positive regard (a core condition in therapeutic work), centralising empathy, connection and high support, matched with high expectations. He advocates restorative consequences (not punishments) and a culture of kindness. This might sound soft, but it's actually the toughest approach one can have. Because it applies clear, consistent boundaries, predictability, structure, high expectations, individualised restorative consequences and systemic challenge, rather than compliance.

Every inch of the book chimed with the direction that we have been wanting to head in for some time, in terms of how we relate to the children, with transparency, autonomy, routine, structure, clear communication and engagement. As a result of the book, I have completely re-written our behaviour policy, which is now called our 'Relationships Policy'. Moreover, as the book advocates, we are exploring every micro structure and transition in the day, looking at how we can ease pinch points and set children up to succeed, reducing stress for everyone (adults too!).

Next on my reading list: 'The Danish Way of Parenting', recommended by another one of our amazing parents.

PS I've chosen this picture as one of many that shows connection, care and presence, a shared moment in a beautiful den that these children created.